Tell Me a Story
When the idea to become a grief coach was presented to me, I was taken aback. I immediately wondered what help I could give to a bereaved person that they might not get from their friends or therapists or even grief groups.
What makes me unique?
I am a folklorist.
I am also a griever.
I am infinitely curious about what makes a person who they are, and I love hearing stories about people. To be honest, I also love talking about myself. After my sister Sarah died, I wanted to tell the world about her. I still do. She was awesome. I know in my heart that anyone who is grieving wants to talk about their person, but it’s awkward to bring it up, and we aren’t always asked. Well, I’m asking. I want to know.
First, a note: In one-on-one grief coaching sessions, I only work with people who are grieving the death of a loved one. It doesn’t matter how long ago the person died. (I will work with anticipatory grief as well, on a selective basis.) Along with the one-on-one grief coaching, I host grief support groups, circles, workshops, and the ever-popular Grief Walks. The circles, workshops, and walks are open to all types of grief; grief groups are currently only for grieving the death of a person. I’ll write more about what happens in each of those settings later.
How I coach
My approach to grief coaching is this: I listen and I ask questions. I want to hear your story and the story of your person. I want to know who they were in life and how you’ve changed since they died. I want to hear about what you miss most and about your complicated feelings (feelings are a part of the story). I want to hear how much grief hurts and the beauty you’ve found since your loved one died–if there is any. I want to hear about the jokes your loved one used to tell and what made them afraid. I want to hear about the love you may or may not have shared and how you continue to love them (or not) after their death.
In each coaching session we spend most of the time talking about the person who has died, your memories of them, and what grief feels like for you. I take some time to give you some tools, exercises, or something to reflect on during the week. We always end with a grounding exercise.
Here’s an example of an “agenda” for a grief-coaching session (I don’t really follow an agenda, but I do plan out topics and possible tools to use):
A few minutes of greetings, check in about the week, and small talk to settle in.
Time for the griever to share whatever is on their mind.
Storytelling. I’ll ask some questions to get the stories flowing.
Reflections on grief and how it’s showing up for the griever.
Suggestions of some tools or examples related to the topics in the stories.
Closing breathing exercise to transition back into the rest of the day. It might be box breathing, or it might simply be a few deep breaths.
Finally, I email a follow-up with resources used in the coaching session.
The one-on-one sessions are never linear like this. It’s not the way people talk or tell stories. There is a lot of conversational back-and-forth. Overall, the purpose is for the griever to have time to share their memories and to learn ways to hold grief gently. We don’t follow a curriculum or have a set amount of sessions (though packages are available for cost savings). My role is to listen to and witness the grief someone is feeling, which in turn helps the griever feel less lonely and more capable of living with their grief.
Since I am also curious about the “why” and the “how” of grieving, what I call the “nature of grieving”-- I voraciously read about grief, especially the science behind grief. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve forwarded this article. I recently finished Mary Frances O’Connor’s book The Grieving Brain. Wow. It's all so interesting! I’m also taking a course where the incredible Meghan Riordan Jarvis walks through the chapters of her book Can Anyone Tell Me. I’m learning so much, and I apply what I learn in one-on-one sessions (as well as groups).
Everything I read, listen to, and watch has also helped me understand my own grief. By continuing to work on myself, I know I show up to a session as my very best self. The more I learn–and the more I apply to my own grief journey–the more capacity I have to deeply and sincerely listen to the grief of others. And the more I listen to others, the better I get at bearing witness to my own grief.
If you have a grief story to share, I invite you to set up a discovery phone call.
As a reminder, this is not therapy. While I am a Certified Grief Educator through Grief.com and David Kessler, I am not trained as a therapist or mental health professional, and I do not provide medical advice. The 60-minute session is for actively grieving in a safe space with the intention of sharing and releasing some of the pain so there is more room for the memories.
